My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
