What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Randomize
