I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
