did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
