you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
