I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I need to stop coming to work sober
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
