Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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