i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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