i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
