The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
