I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
