i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
