I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
