I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize