he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
he quoted the bible to break up with me
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
