I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
