We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Randomize
