That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
