I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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