This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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