I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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