I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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