I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
