my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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