I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
