I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I stole a fireplace last night.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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