I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize