Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
