I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
