When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
only you would photoshop your dick
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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