i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
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