Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
