Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
