I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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