Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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