It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize