the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Are my feet made of real feet?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
