There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
My vagina is officially offended.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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