i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
