My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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