i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
