You made me cry and you don't even care
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
