just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
