Dude my mom stole all your condoms
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
