I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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