Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
We have started to decorate penises.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
