Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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