I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Congratulations! We have a period
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