im about as happy as oj after his trial
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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