Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
