That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
