Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
please don't ironically join a cult
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