never play flip cup with pint glasses
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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