Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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