i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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