So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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