every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
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