She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize