Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
What a dumb baby whore.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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